Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.