*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I have questions??
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.