Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

☺️

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

79.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*