[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
You Might Also Like
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!