Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

my mind

You just read my mind

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.