“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Rt to bother an English speaker
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.