Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Hotels are back

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.