@lloydrang: "Quinoa" sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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@Kyle_Lippert: A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
@BoogTweets: *Full parking lot* Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS! *spot opens up* Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
@mousefountain: It's rude to say "don't mention it" when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say "tell no one of this" in a low but urgent voice.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I'll stop putting it in his coffee.