Me:”But if, as the sign says, there are ‘no right turns’ can u really fault me for making a wrong one.”
Cop:”Thats deep but, yes.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time
Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.