“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
pat pat
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won