“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?