Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
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Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.