Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
You don’t even know
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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