Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
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animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Go hard or stay average
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.