Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs