Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Sunday
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets