Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience