Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio