Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Worst Native American name ever.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?