Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Family Celebrity

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.