Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yeah 👍

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.