Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Room with a view.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
