Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…