Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
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Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art