Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

Worst Native American name ever.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

how DARE

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

how to market bottled water to dads

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected