Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
who wants to go expliring
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
But that’s none of my business
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff