Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.