Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
This one never gets the credit it deserves
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“FRAAANCE!”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye