Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.