“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
LA today:
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Effort made
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.