“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
cause of death:
autopsy.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.