Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
You Might Also Like
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
When I face a minor setback
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
And bowling should be called pinball
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus