Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
