Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Well, this is awkward

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

OKAY DAD

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?