Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*