Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face