@WeekendTwitr

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

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@NewDadNotes

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

@TheAlexNevil

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

@realHamOnWry

In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.

@ThaJawn

Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?

Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?

@Darchstar078

My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.

@chrissyissie

Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me

@TheRealCDK1

Eat Salad they said….its healthy they said……you know what never gets recalled? Cake….I’m sticking with cake.

@BabouDali

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

@priya_ebooks

currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out