Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Wife. you have my husband.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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Anyone with a modern pc feels this pain
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?
Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?
My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.
Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me
Eat Salad they said….its healthy they said……you know what never gets recalled? Cake….I’m sticking with cake.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out