Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater