@WeekendTwitr

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

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@jctwritesstuff

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

@coolauntV

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

@stanleybehrman

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

@grimpossible

“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”

@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@thatUPSdude

Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.

@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater