Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
bros in the example zone 😭
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment