Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.