Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
SONOFA
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Church Pugh’s
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Body by sandwich.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor