Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
In case you needed to hear it:
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You can’t outrun your problems…
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”