Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.