Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”