Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Schrödinger’s cookie

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

My daily affirmation

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car