Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Jogging has never helped my memory.

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.