Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

Breaking news:

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch