Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends đ
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The tag on my jeans says âRelaxedâ so it obviously doesnât have children.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I donât have a baby. So no.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you havenât had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My friend just told me sheâs sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I donât know if Iâm ready to dive into this
Cyndi Lauper: âGirls just want to have fun.â
Me: âSome of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.â
The new iPhoneâs front camera detects when youâre looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I changed my relationship status to âIâm sharpening my knivesâ on Facebook so my boyfriendâs family will never come visit
Have a work dinner where Iâll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. Itâs a good thing Iâm normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
âtbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rackâ
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said âsorry to Bale on youâ then I donât think he is living life to the fullest.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but whatâs the shell on my back for?
God: thatâs where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Didnât realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me đ
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered âliquor?â
All is not a trick question. Apparently
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: Whatâs the nightmare part?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I donât know anybody
Him: Itâs ok Iâll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if theyâre capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didnât eat that cookie? Thatâs -150 calories.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: Youâre not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
shouting âcorner!â and âbehind!â while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Donât put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life