Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

You’re not my real can

You learn something every day

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up