*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Cucumbers Anonymous
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”