*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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The Book. The Movie.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Ummm 😳
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.