*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Woke up against my better judgment again
The internet is full of many things
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
thank god the sign was there
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet