quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then