quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
What about second breakfast?
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls