quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
so this horse walks into a bar
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.