Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Man these end times are taking forever
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
*Shaves my winter legs*
Weigh me now.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day