Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
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Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Tier 3 meme
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
😭😭
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
wut hotdog?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT