Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
You Might Also Like
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”