Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
No regrets in 2018
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?