Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I hope it’s French Onion!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
