My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.