@thr33circles

Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.

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@KalvinMacleod

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

@PlainTravis

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

@KeetPotato

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

@QuietPsycho

HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@SteveKoehler22

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

@mrtruthandsoul

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”