[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you’re doing it for attention and we ALL know you’ll be back.
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
was kung fu fighting, but i
was haiku writing
HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.
Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken
And no toilet paper.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.
Thyme wounds all heels.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”