Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.