Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?