@ArfMeasures

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

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@ohpeetie

– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”

@bingowings14

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

@o__0Dev

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@Purple_Pito

My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

@PJTLynch

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@slimmy_shady

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.