Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

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Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped.
Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it
Scientest: So u can..
Me: Track my bowl movements, yes


what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell


1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon


Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*


Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.


“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA


Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.


ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?


GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome


Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”