Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.