Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

The symmetry is uncanny.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.