Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Admin smashed it 😂

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.