Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…