Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

buys donuts instead

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

I really had high hopes for this year though

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.