Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.