Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

I used the label maker

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)