QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.