Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Does your wife know you’re single?

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table