[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
The happy life.. 😊
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.