[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop