Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
