Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
WTF IS THAT!
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Stop.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
the only organized thing in my life is crime