Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

Haha! 😂

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.