Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
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It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised